I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
