Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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