last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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