This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
