did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
