I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
