that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
