i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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