Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
