Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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