Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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