Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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