I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
