turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
