Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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