Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
