I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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