We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
