i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
