Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
