If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
