Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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