Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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