Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
