does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
