Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
