why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
