i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
