was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
