i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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