i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
