Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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