I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
