Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
