I think my vagina is haunted
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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