Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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