He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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