PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I think my vagina is haunted
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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