I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
