I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
