I wish I could teleport
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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