Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
