I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
