I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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