I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
