i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
