I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
