new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
