Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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