Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize