This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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