So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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