A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He told me they were just razor bumps!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
