Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
