How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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