You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Randomize
