So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
