Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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