no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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