Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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