Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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